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Academia, it’s not you...

11/21/2016

7 Comments

 
[Anna writes...] It's me. Actually, it's the research. 

​I have known I would leave academia since Monday, February 25, 2013. It was my first year of grad school. A professor in my department’s wife had had a baby the day before, on Sunday. On Monday he came into work like it was a normal day.
I can’t claim to know anywhere near enough about this man’s personal or work life to pass any judgement at all. I don’t know my university’s paternal leave policies. I don’t know anything about what was going on with him that day. I still cried in the bathroom, horrified of the perceived value mismatch between myself and the world I had signed up for. Thus began my misguided journey as a #neveracademia spokeswoman. Oh, the horror that is academia!

But I’m not here to tell you the “typical” I’m-leaving-academia-because-I-want-a-family story. In fact, I’m super sick of the fact that lately this seems to be the only reason given to explain unequal representation of women in the sciences*. It sells women short. It makes it sound like women think they can’t be successful academics and have a family, so they quit. Pardon my French, but that’s bullshit.

I have been incredibly fortunate to work in a university setting where I am surrounded by female faculty, all of whom are incredibly successful, seem to work reasonable hours, and have families that they care deeply about. Maybe there was once a time where this balance was much harder, but right now having a family and academic success seems very achievable to me. So why the academia repulsion?

When I found out that that professor didn’t take a day off to spend with his newborn, that a friend was sleeping in his office, that another friend skipped Thanksgiving with her family because she had too much work to do, that five more picked lab work over happy hour… it felt so wrong to me. Who are these people? And why did I not feel compelled to live like them? I always thought this was a problem with academia and its unending struggle with work-life balance. These people clearly “had to” work against their will and it was all academia’s fault.

But there are a lot of people in a lot of fields who work long hours, aren’t there? Why did this feel so uniquely icky to me when it was my own friends and colleagues?

Last week I attended a special luncheon with a professor visiting from another university. She was recently granted a Women in Science Distinguished Professorship at her institution and is a known advocate for women in the sciences, work-life balance, and increasing diversity in STEM fields. She’s also a killer chemist.

At the luncheon I heard the same messages I’ve heard countless times throughout grad school. Having kids is never easy, but I powered through it. I was so lucky to have this female role model and that female role model. I am so lucky to have a supportive partner. My kids are my life. Speak up for other women. Nominate women for awards. Invite women to be keynote speakers. Great. I agree with all those sentiments.

But there was one unique emphasis that I hadn’t heard before. Ms. Dr. Distinguished explained,

“If you’re passionate about what you do, the long hours are okay. Doing work after dinner while your kids are asleep is okay.”

“Just ask yourself, are you doing something you enjoy, that you love doing, do you love going to work every day? Absolutely!”

“I love science. I love discovering new things. I love learning about nature.”

As I thought, wow, this lady is super passionate about her work… I figured out my problem with academia.

No, Ms. Dr. Distinguished Professor, I do not love going to work every day. I can barely get out of bed in the morning, and it’s because I am not excited about research. This is why I feel icky about other people’s long hours. This is why I can’t believe someone would skip a holiday, life event, or even casual hangout time to do extra research. I’m sorry to admit that I’ve been judging tons of people for not caring enough about their personal lives. Why aren’t these people taking time off to do what they really love? They don’t need to. They’re already doing what they love: scientific research.

My unhappiness as a graduate student was never academia’s fault. There’s not something uniquely horrible about doing research at a university, and I wonder if it’s time we (i.e. me and my #neveracademia friends) cut academia some slack.

We give so much air time to non-academic research jobs because we assume that all the people leaving academia want to avoid the long hours and keep doing what they’ve been doing in a 9 to 5. Industry. Government. Research at a non-academic institution. But I recently saw a “careers outside academia” talk given by a USGS staff ecologist, and although she’s not teaching undergrads, her life sounds pretty darn similar to the academic ecologists I know (long hours included). So unless teaching is the part you hate, leaving academia isn’t going to fix much. It won’t guarantee a 9 to 5, and it definitely won’t change how you feel about research.

So, my dear Research, this is it. We’re over. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m leaving academia, and it’s not because of my nonexistent future children. It’s not because of the long hours at all. It’s because I’ve finally realized the reason why I’m so repulsed by the long hours is because I’m not that into it. In fact, I don’t think I like it at all.

As for the other women jumping ship, I don't know their motivation. Perhaps I am the odd one out, and the other women really are clearing their future schedules for family life. But I think we need to look into this further if we want to keep women in the sciences. Can we keep assuming that baby mania is what drives every woman away? Do we really know what leads to the gender inequality we see among post-grad school scientists?**

Academics, I’m sorry I judged you. I’m so glad you’ve found your passion in research. The world needs it. Please keep doing the science. I’m gonna go try to find a different way to help.

I have no doubt I’ll be able to find a job that’s worth the hours. I have some ideas in mind, but for now, I need to quit packing my bags and finish writing my dissertation.

Academia, adieu.
 
***

 *Yes, I know of the long history of actual suppression, harassment, etc. of women in the sciences. Countless women in history have been told they couldn't be scientists, countless more have had their work go unrecognized or credited to men. This world is, thankfully, well on its way out (especially in ecology), and is not meant to be addressed in this post. As a grad student in 2016, the message I hear is that women now leave academia because they want to have a family. 

** Edited 11/29/2016. Originally said: As for the other women jumping ship, is it possible that for every woman attempting to clear her future schedule for family life, there are five more who discovered they didn’t enjoy research? And if so, could this lead to the gender inequality we see among post-grad school scientists? With footnote, Not a rhetorical question, I really don't know the answer here. Might fewer women get satisfaction from scientific research than men? Are most INTPs (the personality type that the structure of academia is geared toward) men? I'm not trying to cause a fight here, and definitely don't agree with this a**hole who says we need to let in fewer women if more women are dropping out. Removed because the hyperbole may have been taken as a harmful over-generalization about women, which was not my intent. See comments below. 
7 Comments
Mica link
11/21/2016 08:50:34 pm

Thanks so much for this post. For what it's worth, I'm an INTP female who feels much the same as you these days. Personally I feel the structure of modern academia is geared toward INTJs. But really, as you mentioned, what matters is that you're truly passionate about the work you're doing--at least if you opt for a career as demanding as research.

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Carina
11/22/2016 04:11:46 pm

Why do you think fewer women might get satisfaction from research than men? Do you think this has a genetic basis? I would be really careful about casual statements like that.

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Anna
11/22/2016 04:59:31 pm

Hm, I'm not sure why you think I think that. As I said, "Not a rhetorical question, I really don't know the answer here."

As in, is it possible? I only bring it up at all because *IF* a significant proportion of academia-leaving females are in the same boat as me instead of the widely assumed "I want more family time"... how do we then explain the gender imbalance we still see in science? (Also: why don't men ever "want more family time"? Can we call that a genetic difference?)

I know almost nothing about the psychology/ biology/ genetics of personalities, values, and interests. I do believe that some personality types are highly compatible with academia and research, and are more poised to find it rewarding, while others are not (which I wrote about in a previous post). But, as I mentioned in the post above, I don't know the distribution of those personality types throughout the population. *IF* the "academic" personality type was significantly more common in men than women, and *IF* genes are what dictate these sorts of personality traits, then sure, it could be genetic. But I'm not arguing that at all, and I don't even want to go down that rabbit hole to find out. It's not like science should start turning people away if they don't come out as INT on a Meyers-Briggs test.

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Carina
11/29/2016 03:06:33 pm

Well you asked if gender-based differences in the satisfaction that people derive from research might contribute to unequal gender representation in the sciences. So I asked why do you think that could be happening, because I have no idea why that would be the case, especially for 5 out of 6 women leaving academia as you suggest. Based on my anecdotal sample size, family stuff IS a pretty big reason that women leave, not like 1 out of 6.

It adds fuel to the bias fire to suggest that certain groups of people—where “group” is defined by demography rather than ability, desire, personality—are inherently—that is, genetically—incompatible with science (or whatever). Wouldn’t it be disturbing to suggest that [insert race] people are underrepresented in science because they just aren’t "the type” who like to do research? There are a lot of reasons besides babies that women leave science, like just being worn down by the inherent bias that we run into. Such as people suggesting that maybe women are just not "the type"…ahem. Somehow only privileged white dudes are “the type”? That doesn’t seem right to me.

I think it’s more constructive to flip the issue around and ask whether society and "the system” are stacked in ways that exclude people who could actually be really great contributors if the system were set up differently.

Anna link
11/29/2016 03:20:05 pm

Ah, yes I understand completely! And also agree. I do wonder about your last question... because if "Science" were set up differently, I think it would definitely agree with me more. But since it's not, do I have a right/responsibility to try and change it? If I were an accountant and hated my job, and could list all the things my firm did that made me hate it... is this their problem or mine? And is science different enough from other professions that this isn't a perfect analogy? Can we complain that Science should cater to my needs, but other professions don't have to?

We're gonna have to take this one to the bar. I have no answers.

PS I will add a clarification to my post about the 5 out of 6 women.

Carina
12/13/2016 10:45:16 am

If men and women have equal chances to succeed in accounting, and you hated your accounting job, then it's just you not getting along with accounting. But if a field systematically excludes women and minorities who love doing science but don't get along with Science As A Career, then there's a problem with the system. You don't have the responsibility to try and change it if you really think it's the nature of research itself that you don't like. But research is embedded in university systems that we've, I mean white men from a long time ago, constructed, which work very well for those white men and less well for everyone else. So I don't think you need to feel any kind of responsibility to work on the problem if you're just not interested in the job, but I think it's decidedly unhelpful to generalize from your own feelings to suggest that maybe more women than men just aren't scientist-type people. There are MANY women and minorities that could be great scientists, but don't find Science As A Career to work for them, so there are problems with the career, not with us.

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Jacqueline Clark
1/3/2019 10:01:25 am

Hey! I know I'm really late to this party, but thank you so much for this post. As someone who loves conceptual/textbook science and turns out not to love research so much, I often feel alone in my own PhD program. Seeing other people feel the same way is really validating. I hope you've found a job that brings you joy!

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